The Way We Live Now

Will somebody please explain to me why if there's a war on Christmas, the Boston-area town in which I live started putting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving? And also why the Sunday after Thanksgiving--apparently networks can't even wait for December to start--two major networks started a Christmas ratings duel: and their choice of weapons was movies about cute dogs that save the holiday? Never mind that The Dog Who Saved Christmas is as insipid and meaningless as the phrase "War on Terror." Why can't we have something a little more original from our TV networks? Start a surprise ratings war in two and a half months with a seasonal movie like The Grizzly Bear Who Mauled Ash Wednesday.















But if you really want to know what an all-engulfing wave of aesthetic rot is taking over the media in the next month, go here and see a list of all the Christmas specials appearing on television in the next four weeks.

You will want to lock yourself in a mountain cabin that has no electricity.

That is, if you still have the will to live.

Admittedly, some of these specials are not without their charms: It's A Wonderful Life has Jimmy Stewart, A Muppets Christmas has muppets. But my God, A Garfield Christmas? A Very Brady Christmas? This country has been through 9-11 and the worst economic crisis in seventy years. Haven't we suffered enough?

Reflecting on the upcoming month-long nightmare reminds me of the time when I was twelve and my father dragged me along to a medical convention in Gatlinburg, Tennessee (think Branson, Missouri, without as much class). We were going to lunch one day when we passed a store dedicated to nothing but Christmas merchandise. And this was in March. Think about it: a store that could suppport itself by trafficking in nothing but Christmas merchandise all year 'round. And the glory and horrror of the Internet is that I can verify that it is still there.

The horror, the horror.

Tis' the Season for Overeating...

....so once again, The Week in Food:*

In medieval England they were often made with lamb and currants. The ancient Romans sometimes used mussels for filling or made a cheese-cake-like dish with the unfortunate name placenta: go to Time magazine and learn all about pie.

Dehydrated mashed potatoes, dried cranberries, gravy powder: go here to learn how to get Thanksgiving dinner through airport security (the information might come in handy next year).

Speaking of holiday travel, you would think going into outer space would prevent a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. You would be wrong.

So you've got a bottle of tequila around the house, but you're not in the mood for margaritas? You might consider making diamonds.

Have you ever craved a baby seal burger? How about some medium rare (human) flank steak? I leave you to ponder the possibilities of lab-grown meat.


*Some of these items aren't from this week, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want.

The Way We Live Now

Worried about churchgoing in the age of swine flu? A company in Italy has a partial solution (at least for Catholics): an electronic holy water dispenser. No more dipping your fingers in the same font as all your filthy, disease-ridden fellow parishioners. Just wave your hand under a sensor and out comes the sacred stuff.

Of course, the smart people will just get an electric monk.

The Way We Live Now

Does anyone see (no pun intended) a problem with this?

The Week in Food

So how much spaghetti did that come with? Staff at a New Hampshire restaurant made a 222 lb. meatball...

Attention Pennsylvania big game hunters: before you shoot a bear, check for warning labels.

What's behind the British economy's recovery? Behold the power of cheese.

Unlocking the secrets of the universe will have to wait: an errant piece of bread caused problems for the Large Hadron Collider earlier this week.

Moms, Dads: get a grip. You need to take your kids to get their flu shots. Rice Krispies won't do the trick.

The Week in Food

With colder weather coming, you might start wearing a hat more often. Why not buy one that expresses your love for dairy?

Or maybe you would rather say it with sculpture.

Go to McDonald's for a burger, leave with a criminal record. Just another day in small-town America.

Do you hate whale meat? Good news: you're not alone.

For the past week, thousands of people have waited in line in the streets of Reykjavik. At midnight tonight, one of them will be able to say, "I ate the last Big Mac in Iceland."

The Way We Die Now

In 1978 Wal-Mart branched out from selling standard department store items into pharmaceuticals. In 1983 it expanded into the wholesale market. In 1987, Wal-Mart began selling produce. Now it's 2009--and they're selling caskets. According to Reuters, you can get an Our Lady of Guadalupe casket for $895.* If you want to go more high end, Wal-Mart will sell you a sienna bronze for $2,899.

Both are almost certainly a savings on the funeral home price for caskets. If I had to guess, I would say both prices are well below the 800% markup that's standard for funeral home caskets--but that Wal-Mart is still making a handsome profit.

And be forewarned: if you buy a Wal-Mart casket online, you don't get free shipping.

* Which is only marginally better than the $925 Costco is asking for same.